Every instance of sheer genius is followed soon after by a moment of complete idiocy. I believe this is by design to keep up humble, and always planted with our feet firmly in reality. Perhaps I should say these are the moments that make up my life. One moment I need to wear a helmet and lick a window, the next, “Why yes, I do believe I deserve the Noble Prize.” Now, before everyone gets hot and bothered regarding the helmet wearing, window licking comment…let us remember I am not always politically correct. Nor do I think any less of those with actual handicaps. In fact, I am actually quite in awe of them. In every moment of their lives they face adversity to “normal” situations and find a way of dealing with them. I have all parts working most of the time, and end up often wanting to curl up in a ball and hide from the world. That being said, everyone deals with something even if it isn’t obvious. So get off my back, get on the short bus with me and the rest of my friends, and remember that your favorite color should always be clear with sparkles.
Now- where were we, oh yeah my moment of genius, how could I forget? Wednesdays seem to be the day of the week most of these moments can be found, keeping that in mind most of my adventures happen on the weekend. The entire employment option affords me the luxury of the life I enjoy, but limits the days of the week I can be spontaneous. A few years ago my friend Jack and I set out on one such adventure. Jack is a girl, and she is tougher than you, has more balls than most men I know, and definitely more determination than anyone I know. She decided to join me for a visit at my parents’ home, and from there we would partake in some of the splendor that befalls the West Virginia Mountains. Near the Virginia and West Virginia border is an area known as Canaan Valley. Within the valley and surrounding area you will find areas that separate it from all other sites of the state. Our adventure was to happen there.
Since it is my parents’ home it is safe to assume I had seen most of the natural occurrences in the area, but it had been a while. We moved to that area when I was twelve, and before that we lived in the middle of the state, followed by several years in a real West Virginia holler. It is true I am a cliché. A coal miner’s daughter from up in the holler is where my roots can be found. Those stories are for another time. At the time of the quest Jack and I set out on I was around 19. Between 12 and 19 the nature I sought was not of the woods, twigs, and berries variety. Teenage girls have many more interesting things to investigate than mountain tops. It is safe to say I was around 13 that last time I had been to Blackwater Falls. Regardless I was 19 and knew everything so it didn’t matter that we weren’t quite sure what we were doing or where we going. I remembered there were signs, and eventually we would find our way.
We had made it the drive to Seneca, and we wanted to tour both Smoke Hole and Seneca Caverns that day. As well as take in Blackwater. We got to the fork in the road, facing Seneca Rocks ( a very jagged rock formation separating WV and VA) and I knew Smoke Hole was to the left and Seneca Rocks to the right. This was my genius moment of the day, I had remembered without having to stop and ask for directions. We arrived at Smoke Hole Caverns, paid for our tour and started our journey with the folksy story provided by the tour guide. Since it has been quite a while since I had been there, the caverns weren’t as impressive as they once were. If fact, in the Upside Down Wishing Well, my bust had increased enough in size that two stalagmites were almost added to the wall on my way out. To which Jack blurted out “Big Big, Big Big Titties!” in true Duce Bigalow fashion. The laughing she caused was not making my case for escape from the Upside Down Wishing Well any easier. The tone for the rest of the tour had been set, and the phallic shaped rocks provided much entertainment for young hormonal women. After the tour we visited the gift shop where we found candies from our childhood like railroad sticks and crystal sugar suckers. As young girls do, we squealed with excitement and made a quick purchase, then were off to Seneca Caverns.
These caverns are a straight through walk of about a mile. Just like before, there were large dildo shaped rock projectiles and huge organ pipe shaped rocks on the walls. After the hike back to the gift shop we panned for gold. We had had enough of the underground and headed for Blackwater Falls. In all truth I had no idea how to get to Blackwater Falls. Being 19 years old and knowing it all still, I was not dissuaded and much to the credit of the WV (which is really pronounced dub V for anyone living here ) tourist bureau they had placed signs. So we found the very large waterfall in the middle of the forest without to many problems. Here is where things start to get a little risky. To get down to the falls there is a very nice wooden walkway with a blue million steps. All along this very nice walkway there are signs that say “Do Not Leave the Walkway.” Since there are a blue million of these steps we must have seen this post at least a dozen times. Jack is a year older than me, and even though I was 19 and knew everything, she was 20 and knew everything plus one. The final landing of walkway is close enough to the falls that you can feel the mist rising from the turbulent water. That was not close enough for Jack, so she left the walkway. We were both in college, so neither was illiterate. In fact neither of us was really an adrenaline junkie, nor did we break the law. Well, maybe the underage drinking one, but that doesn’t count when you are in college. I stayed behind to capture on film her entire adventure from the walkway to the falls. At this point I don’t even know if there was a plan once she got there, but she was over the railing and heading for the water.
A tricky thing about water is that it makes for the production of some type of scum or algae to grown on rock. In turn it makes that covered surface slick, and the hillside on which Jack was making her decent is covered with rocks. She went far enough to twist her ankle, and then stopped. Now, here was Jack half way down the hill to the falls, and we were at the bottom of the blue million steps of the very nice walkway that she left. There was no way I could get to her and carry her out. She was going to have to tough it out. Much to her credit (and lack of major injury) she did. I told you, this girl is tough. Rumor has it that she returned to Blackwater at a later date, but I never asked if she conquered her original goal. She had just turned her ankle enough to cause some pain, and she walked it off like a good country girl would do. Ascending the, what seems endless amount of steps in the woods took a little longer, but we made it and decided our day was not ready to end. I asked if she wanted to see Dolly Sods. Jack of course was up for it.
Although I had been to several parts of the area, I had never seen Dolly Sods. I have now seen enough of Dolly Sods to know it is a little odd, and not on my top ten places to revisit. As you drive up the mountain you can see how primitive the area truly is. The wind is so fierce on the mountain that limbs only grown on one side of the trees. Right above Bore’s Nest we decided to hike in the woods. This would be my moment of idiocy. It is around 4:00pm at this time. Of course two girls not prepared for hiking whom have been drinking soda all day and munching on sun flower seeds really should set out for a hike into the woods at 4:00pm. To our credit there was a sign that said Bear something Lookout, so we thought it couldn’t be too far into woods, and we wanted to see the entire hillside of trees with limbs only on one side. There was a walking path, how bad could it be?
For a while the path was gravel covered and we made good time. After the gravel ended the roots of the trees lining the path were coming up through the ground, and the occasional “Ouch” and “Dammit” could be heard from either of us. After about another30 minutes the path just ended. We were not at a look out, and there were trees and very tall underbrush directly in front of us. A group consultation was needed to determine was the next course of action should be.
Jack: Where did the path go?
Me: I don’t know, but you would think there would be a sign (I am guessing because the tourist bureau hadn’t let us down thus far)
Jack: Can you see anything that looks like a path, or where a path has been?
Me: No but we can’t be much further, we have come a pretty long way. Maybe the lookout is just beyond the underbrush and they haven’t cleared it yet this year.
Jack: Do you want to keep going?
Me: Sure, we can just turn back if we don’t find it in a little while.
So we continued through the underbrush, like some pioneer women staking claim on a piece of ground with a great view of lopsided trees. Neither of us said anything of importance for a while, there was a lot of bitching about briars and such. We continued for another 30 minutes or so, but we had found no look out and no reforming of a path. It was time for another consultation.
Jack: What do you want to do?
Me: I wanted to see this damn lookout, but it seems to be false advertising. Do you think we started out the wrong path?
Jack: I don’t know, it only looked like there was one path to take. Do you want to head back?
Me: (After looking back into woods and realizing with the tree cover it was starting to get pretty shaded) Yeah it is probably a good idea.
We turned around and headed back to the car. Now, we entered an area with no path, and the idea was to just keep walking straight so that when we turned around we would just have to walk straight back to the car. All of this sounded simple enough to the person who knew it all, and the person who knew it all plus one. It was summer, it was hot, and it had been a long day. We were smart enough to grab a bottle of water when leaving the car, and of course our treats from Smoke Hole Caverns were in our pockets. It should have only taken us about 30 minutes to find the path again, but it was longer and the woods were getting darker. Both of us were starting to get a little stressed, and I was exhausted. Spending the summer working the desk of a hotel had not left me in the best condition to be hiking in the mountains of WV. We stopped for a moment to try and get our bearings, and it hit us that we may not make it back to the actual path before nightfall. We were hungry, as food had been our next stop after seeing Dolly Sods and we unwrapped our crystal sugar suckers. I casually looked and Jack and said, “Don’t eat it all at once, it may be the last food we see for three days.” Apparently in my mind there is a predetermined amount of time equaling three days that someone will have to endure if they do get lost in the wilderness. Jack just laughed, and then put us back into motion on our journey.
We fought the underbrush, but mostly the darkness in the trees and about twenty minutes later found the actual man made path by the lovely tourist bureau. This would be one of those times there is a big fuck you sent out into the ether. At that point we picked up the pace. This was not the best plan of action since it had gotten darker and the roots of the trees became invisible hands reaching up to grab your toes in stride. One root in particular had gotten us both on the way in, and got us both again on the way out. Jack was out pacing me by at least ten steps. This girl walked everywhere she went in those days and walking with her was like trying to run an easy ten with Flo Jo. I would laugh and say, “Just save yourself.” To which she would reply, “You have the keys!” We would laugh and giggle trying not to be scared. In actuality at the time, I think each of us was worried about crossing paths with a bore or a bear, any animal at that point in the darkness would have freaked us out. Chipmunks had become lethal! Finally after about 40 more minutes we could see a break in the darkness. The head of the path was in front of us, and a huge sigh of relief came from both of us. Never in my life was I so excited to see my crappy little white Chevy Cavalier! As we broke through the tree line it was like two different worlds. Without the canopy overhead it was bright enough that we still have time to add more adventure to our day. We got in the car and found something to drink as fast as we could. Then laughter ensued at how scared we almost were, and how dramatic it had been to even think we may be stuck in the woods all night long. It was close to 7:00pm and we needed off of the mountain. More importantly I needed to find a phone to call my parents and let them know we were alive because we originally thought we would be home by 6:00pm. No problem there was sure to be a pay phone in the town just near the bottom of the mountain.
We were safe in the car headed back to civilization and laughing the entire way down the road. That is until we were on Backbone Mountain. The road is a series of small straight stretches followed with “S” curves. My little car didn’t enjoy going down the mountain. As the brakes were getting hot their stopping ability seemed to become zero efficient. It was okay in the straight stretches until they ended in a curve, so I would put my foot to the floor on the brake pedal and gear down. I drove an automatic, and was pretty sure the transmission was going to come out before we made it to the bottom. This seemed to be working until we got behind a dump truck of some kind. In a straight stretch we went around him, and he was not happy and blew his horn to let us know. Jack yelled, “Sorry buddy, no brakes!” although I am not sure he heard or cared at that point. Somehow we made it down the mountain without going over the side or in the ditch, but we did use all the real estate that we could.
Once in town, and I use the word town loosely here, we found the one and only pay phone is Davis, or Thomas- frankly I don’t know which is which. My Mama was not happy that we were not home, nor was she even the littlest bit impressed with our story of wilderness survival or the impending death we faced on Backbone. Instead we were instructed to be home, and if we had been home at a better hour none of this would have happened! “Yes Mom” is all I could utter. Did she forget who she was talking to, I mean between the two of us WE knew everything times two plus one! We had crystal sugar suckers , we were a force to be reckoned with!
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